Turning 31, and not knowing what the actual.... *beep*

If you think by the time you turn 30 you will know the secrets to life. I hate to burst your bubble or even be the one to tell you honey, but you are no closer to knowing what you wanted to be when you grow up than you were at 21 or 7 and that's a blessing.

^That's what I wish someone would have told me when I was 20.

Now for all my peeps that are living their best life and have the career of their dreams, this blog nor this post is for you baby. This one is for all my homies that ummmmm - I am just out here living life type. But do stick around if you are interested in what it's like to not know.

Throughout my twenties I use to lean on the fact that I was 21, then 24, then 27, and I will for sure have my shit together by 30. "That's 30-year-old Ray's problem. You, you 27-year-old Ray - you live your life honey." Then the day came.... oh shit now I am 30. Shouldn't I like own a home, have an IRA, and be married with a babe on the way? Shouldn't I be driving a car that has a bumper and functional AC?

While certain hopes and dreams have come and gone throughout the years I have enjoyed the aging process. Ha ha, why does that make me sound like I am 65? Anyways, now as a 31-year-old, I have new hopes and dreams. I am - and let me be clear, so drastically different than I was 10 years ago even 5 years ago. And weirdly enough incredibly similar.

I use to love going out. I was out and about honey. I was as wild as the day is long and you could not even suggest a good time and I would instantly be like "sign me up. Where is the dotted line? Ya girl is here to parrrrtay." Now a days I will say to my boyfriend. "I don't want to be out past 10 pm." I am telling you now, Lil Ray Ray is domesticated and if anyone that knows me is reading this I know you are as shocked as I am. But I am a homebody and love my bed, the AC on 67, and my cat and dog in bed before 11 pm. They are my party and I love it. But in other ways I am still similar... Look, If I need to knock the dust off the cowboy hat and cause a scene, I am available but like twice a year. However, I still love country music and chicken tenders but, I do not like driving at night. Hell, I can hardly see to be honest.

However earlier that I am getting in bed now, I still thought for sure at this point in my life I would have a handle on this whole life thing or at least know what I wanted to be when I grew up. But life is so funny in that the longer you live the more you learn about yourself and the world around you. But I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up even though I am in bed by the time I was normally headed out to get wild.

Strange I know, but we are running with it. Living and learning honey.

I know we all know that person who at 5 years old said they wanted to be a firefighter and 20 years later - they are fighting fires and kicking ass. Well if you know that person then you know this person too. What is Ray even doing these days? I heard she was blah blahhh and now she is blahhh blah. If having fun and still not having a clue at 31 was a degree - your girl would be valedictorian, 4.0 honey, headed to get my doctorate at Harvard honey.

I was given the mind and talent of wanting to do everything and wanting to learn everything with little desire to be a master at any of it. I just want to be a lil Freebird out here going with the flow and just not too sure about anything. Just flowing on down the river. It's as if nothing has set my heart on fire. To be honest I feel no guilt about it. But I do feel as though I should be ashamed that I have a lifetime of experiences but little to no material or savings accounts to prove of it.

But if you need anyone to sit around a fire and tell ridiculous stories, ding ding ding - I am your girl.

I have managed to do as I please throughout life with little resolve to care what society thinks. Then I hit 30 and all of sudden I was like "Oh shit" I may need to kind of get it together. I mean I pay my taxes every year, but I kinda want to get it together enough not to have to check my checking account every other day to see if I can go to the goodwill this week. Ya girl LOVVVES the goodwill.

Anyways.

I still want to be a free spirit just a more well-rounded free spirit. I want both financial freedom and the ability to stay true to myself. For as long as I can remember I thought I couldn't have both.... but just maybe I can, and maybe I don't have to feel some type of way about having both.

Now that was a year ago, and as I stand - I mean sit here today. I am no closer to knowing what I want to be today than I did when I was 7. Just a quick FYI I wanted to be a pop star. Hello singing with my headphones on in the living room to Faith Hill's "This kiss, this kiss, unstoppable." Can we just pause for faith in the '90s? What a legend. Ugh faith, I know you will never read this, but 7-year-old Ray and 31-year-old Ray love you. God, and are she and Tim like everyone's favorite country duo? Dreamboat status all day every day in every way.

I digress, back to me being like "What the *beep* at 31". Now I have done an array of jobs and activities throughout the years and have loved and enjoyed plenty of them.

However, none of them have had me waking up every morning thinking "Let's get this bread". For me, passion, independence, creativity, and a sense of freedom are very important to me. Extremely important to me. Now, money is nice and like everyone in the world, I sure would like more of it. Unfortunately, it does not seem to motivate me more than having a meaningful desire for work does.

That brings us to now, like right now. Friday, May 26th. Six days post being 31. I started a social media agency that specializes in helping others learn how to Instagram. Do I know if I will be good at it? I believe I will because I love to help others and I love to be creative.

Mostly the thing that has held me back and caused me the moments of "What the crap-oh-la and are you serious, you want to be one of those people, or are you sure tik tok didn't just send you all those make millions on your laptop videos." How do you know this is what you want to do?

Well to be honest with you and me. I don't know, seriously I don't know if this is what I want to do. But you know what I do know? That I will never know if I don't try. I will never know if I don't just say let her rip tator-chip and try. So this is me telling you and me.... We are going to try, we are going to put ourselves out there.

I have done so many things in life but rarely have I believed in myself especially when it comes to something like starting my own business. But I am choosing to be vulnerable, and choosing to just get behind this computer and share my feelings, thoughts, and the journey. To come on here every Wednesday and just ramble on.

I wanted to start this blog because :

A) I wanted to have an outlet, to be honest, and for me, writing is an avenue for that. It's like I can just say it (write it) and it is a huge weight being lifted.

B) I know I am not alone and the more we share the less societies "right and wrongs" can define us. The more we are just honest and vulnerable the less the fear has over us. The less we have to feel like "it's just me, I am broken, I am a shit turd" because WE are not broken, you are okay, I am okay, we are not shit turds, and we are gonna make it. Come hell or high water one.

I just want to say :

I have no freaking clue, not even the slightest. I just want to write this blog, help people with Instagram and be able to keep the lights on and beyond that... I haven't a clue. I don't know where I will be a month from now let alone a year. We have the power of the now and I reckon we ought to live in it.

Woohoo!!! That felt freaking awesome let me say it again. I have no clue and that's freaking okay. I don't have to know.

Alright, your turn. What's the truth that you have been wanting to let out?

There is no road map in life, and what a relief. We all get to forge our paths. We all get to decide what is right for us. Can I get an amen?

So want you join me in "Turning 31, and not knowing what the actual.... *beep*".

See you next Wednesday.

Maybe then I still won't know. Maybe you never know, maybe you just go with the flow. Writing and starting Adventuring Collective feels and represents me just going with what feels right, right now. Just going with the flow I reckon. Living in the now, and not giving a shit what other people think, however hard that may be for the inner people pleaser I know I can be.

I am certainly sure I will re-read this post 17'''eleven million times, but I had the courage to hit post, and the courage to say- I don't freaking no nothin' bout nothin'. YEhawww. Cheers to being 31, and still loving Faith Hill as faithfully (see what I did there) as I did in that living room 24 years ago.

Praise Dale, Raise Hell,

Ray

https://youtu.be/dls_cBmUt7Q